The animals are sound asleep, the heater is blowing making my pajamas too hot, though my feet, hands and nose are still cold. I cannot seem to decide if I should turn it up or turn it off, so I stay where I am and eventually it shuts itself off.
I am wondering about the future. Now is the perfect moment for me to begin anew and burst open a whole new phase of my life. I have prepared myself, my life, my home and only wait for, wait for...wait for me. After a few false starts, I retreated into rereading books that I love as if they would awaken in me the knowing of what I am to do.
I do not expect it to be seamless, problem free or perfect, but I do expect to know, with some certainty that it is what I really want to do. Half finished projects fill the corners of my studio, and other places where they are out of the way until...until I have the resources to finish them, the desire for completion that eludes me now.
I want that burning desire that ruled me for so long that I did not know it could ever not be there. I want the rush of energy that lead me to do the most amazing things in my life. Things that people don't believe that I've done. It doesn't matter.
I want to have sex again, but I can't bring myself to date. It's a problem. I want my passion back.
My life is pleasant now, not erratic or unhappy, just a little bland for my taste. How do I stoke the fires of desire without setting myself aflame? What I am doing now matters. It will all come together and I will have done all the necessary preparations, in the meantime...I will wait in quiet contemplation, as the animals wait for me to join them in sweet slumber.
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