Life Changing

So very many people want their lives to be different-me among them.
But the obvious secret, not even hidden among words, is for your life to change
You must change.  Most people want to change things, not themselves and who can blame them...changing is hard work fraught with trial and error, but...but...BUT things don't change.  I mean a chair is a chair.

Simply stated, to change things in your life, you must change.  From simple changes to complex life altering changes. No, you don't have to go that far- well, maybe You do, but I don't.  Simple changes change a lot.  Smile more, simple enough. Speak about things you usually keep to yourself -awkward but life altering for sure.  Go to a different place, like taking your coffee to the park instead of your favorite seat in the corner.  Carry a balloon until you find a child to give it to.  Any of these changes will change your life.  Will it bring the change you desire? I have no idea, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Unaltered Original

I wonder how life has changed me? Certain events-like a costly fire and conscious awareness-like determination to start a certain career, as well as calculated game plans-like college. Not perfect examples, but they'll do for now.

What about intentional changes, vegetarianism, tattoos, ear piercings? Those too change us and how we are perceived by and interacted with by the world. How about unintentional changes like car accidents, injuries and/or rape? What about jobs, clothing, sleeping patterns, partners, intentional or unintentional children? Human change can have infinite sources and causes.

What is the unaltered original? A valuable commodity in any marketable item, cars, antiques, but what about people? Can a person be an unaltered original beyond the age of say, five? Unlikely.  Fifteen-highly unlikely,  so, which changes were part of the grand design? Crawling, walking, eating, talking-that's good for a start. Educated? To what extent and in which fields? No, doesn't meet the criteria, too many variables.

What then is the unaltered original you?

Rethinking Becoming an Actress

At the age of 22 of was offered a role in a major motion picture.  I held a check for $50,000 in my hand and in an act of wise determination, I tore it up do that I couldn't change my mind-becoming an actress would have been the death of me. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere I looked and I wasn't any good at saying no anyway.  For decades, I was totally certain I'd made the right choice.

So, what's changed? As it turns out, I must be a damn good actress. For the past ....um."few years I have been pretending that I'm all right when in fact, I have tears running down my face as I text that I'm fine. So fine...somewhere between bringing the positive, trusting God and feeling guilty about feeling sorry for myself-some people have it much worse, much much worse.  According to that gauge, I really am.  Or, or-perhaps more likely, they just pretend they don't know, think I am a bummer and just keep contact to a minimum. Yeah, that could be it all right.  Either way, it doesn't really change a thing, now does it?

Someday, maybe even someday soon, this will all be a memory and I won't mind the "industry" giving themselves yet another award- because fame and fortune really aren't enough to compensate them for their amazing acting.

The Real Mystery of Christmas

Many people believe they know the mystery of Christmas.  I know the miracle of Christmas, though I didn't think it was much of a mystery since, well, they wrote it in the most popular book in the history of the world, sing songs about it and have many religions all claiming to have the corner on it.  I certainly won't claim to know more about the birth of Christ than any other believer, no.

The true mystery of Christmas is, who likes fruit cake.  We've all heard the jokes about it.  I even met a woman who made them, tons of them, every year, so I have solved the mystery of where they come from.  The real mystery is who eats them?  Someone must, otherwise where are they? I have never heard anyone admit to liking it, or admitting to even tasting it, much less actually eating it,   But someone somewhere must love it.  Who is this person or persons? Why do they remain silent? Is there such a social stigma associated with it that they fear exile?

In this day and age where a person's sexuality demands recognition we have this one secret remaining?  Perhaps they are part of a secret society? Perhaps we should support their coming out? Perhaps, just perhaps, there are more people secretly eating and loving fruit cake than there are American voters? Until they admit it, we'll just never know.

Just Getting Use To It

There are a lot of changes in normal life.
It seems once you get use to a certain thing, it shifts-a little or a lot.
My favorite example is crawling.  It starts out all shaky, and then oh, so fast!
Time to learn to walk.  One step, then two but it is so much slower than doing what we already know how to do it.

I don't know a single person who would encourage a child to go back to crawling, because you were better at it, you were faster, you just seemed to have a knack for it or any other reason, including getting hurt by falling.  Somewhere along the line, we expect to be good at new things just because we were good at others, it just doesn't work that way.

Now, I am learning new things, and it is frustrating and painful, not wrong just...slow. I guess, I just have to get use to it.

Wandering Ponders

Some things are easier to figure out than others...
Late at night, when the rest of the world is sleeping, I ponder
Why do we care more about sports than people?
How do we turn the political machine around?
Why do siblings have such different world views?
Why do people give animals people names and name children unpronounceable names?
Why will we talk about sex but not money?
Why do friends like to be called sisters or brothers, when they don't speak to their own?
Why will we know more about television characters than our families?
Why isn't it an insult?
Why do some people never move or change jobs?
How can you repaint a room the same color?
Why is my life inverted?

I have figured out the perfect amount to win in the lottery, and I know exactly how I'd spend it.
I know why the caged bird sings.
I don't know why I am s
 The one willing to struggle with these questions.

Sassy

Some, in fact-many, people say there are no stupid questions.  Perhaps, but there are some questions that cannot be asked at all.  They are too argumentative, or personal, or offensive.  As a child, I was often told by my parents not to "sass" them.  To this day I don't really know what it means. Every time I asked, I'd be accused of doing it so since my question was sincere, when I looked it up in the dictionary I just got confused or upset...and don't even think about trying to defend yourself...evidently that is sassy as well.

One day after the U.S? Elections, I find myself with another "unaskable" question. Why are the winners claiming that their landslide victory doesn't require them to do anything besides, and I quote, "Stop Obama" As elected officials, do they just get a free pass on doing anything at all? The new guys haven't even been sworn in. Isn't six years of logjam enough? Why are we allowing this? I only say we because I am American, and they won.  I just don't understand why.  I don't understand why we allowed them to stonewall while the country staggered under the burden of poor leadership.

Yes, President Obama failed in this major area.  He could not budge them, so whether you think it's right or wrong, it is a major failure of the president.  I can accept that, but how does that mean that we are going to allow this supermajority to do nothing and call that victory.  I really don't understand how people that told us they weren't going to allow the government to function, and then didn't not only did not go to prison for treason, but took the majority? It is a major mystery to me...but then, perhaps I'm just being sassy, again.

Somewhere Out There

The animals are sound asleep, the heater is blowing making my pajamas too hot, though my feet, hands and nose are still cold.  I cannot seem to decide if I should turn it up or turn it off, so I stay where I am and eventually it shuts itself off.

I am wondering about the future. Now is the perfect moment for me to begin anew and burst open a whole new phase of my life. I have prepared myself, my life, my home and only wait for, wait for...wait for me.  After a few false starts, I retreated into rereading books that I love as if they would awaken in me the knowing of what I am to do.

I do not expect it to be seamless, problem free or perfect, but I do expect to know, with some certainty that it is what I really want to do. Half finished projects fill the corners of my studio, and other places where they are out of the way until...until I have the resources to finish them, the desire for completion that eludes me now.

I want that burning desire that ruled me for so long that I did not know it could ever not be there. I want the rush of energy that lead me to do the most amazing things in my life.  Things that people don't believe that I've done.  It doesn't matter.

I want to have sex again, but I can't bring myself to date.  It's a problem. I want my passion back.
My life is pleasant now, not erratic or unhappy, just a little bland for my taste.  How do I stoke the fires of desire without setting myself aflame? What I am doing now matters.  It will all come together and I will have done all the necessary preparations, in the meantime...I will wait in quiet contemplation, as the animals wait for me to join them in sweet slumber.

Shifting Realities

I fall asleep knowing I used to be getting up for work just now...
This inverted schedule of lost decades, I am not in college anymore...
Others think I set my own schedule, would they understand if I told them?
Do I!  In a blinding flash, I understand.
Someone should have warned me...

Another Night

Nights like this, I wonder...how did I get through the others? Surely, I have survived all of these painful memories that only reemerge from time to time. Not that they are less powerful, just less frequent.
Whatever gets you through the night, it's alright...the Beatles got that right.

Just One Bite

Just a page, then two
Creates the story you're trying to tell
Just one bite, left behind
Then another, gently makes your weight decline

It's news to me that such small changes
Produces a life that really amazes
Those great big wishes you dare to dream
Start with changes that aren't extreme

You don't need a program, a coach or a doctor,
You just need a small change to become who you're after.

Oh, there you are...

How appropriate that I completely forgot that I started this blog.  It's part of the evolving mystery.  I read the two posts in evidence, and then I looked at my statistics.  No one has ever read this blog, I don't know why that made me laugh, but it did.  I guess I think it's funny because, well, even I don't read it.  Now, I know where to write things when I don't want anyone to see them!